************************************************************************

Late and warm afternoon,

I was sipping my tea while facing in front of mirror

trying to ask my self

of those things that keeps in my mind

and i can't erase easily...

Begging for the answer...

Asking Heavenly God for the sign and direction,

then get tired of nothing

still thinking and thinking...

And now i just sitting in front of computer

trying to share what is in my mind

no ones here, so quiet, so dark

only the lights from the computer lightning the room...

Everyone is busy and later i will be busy too,

First thing that keeps on my mind

WHAT IF I DIED NOW?

Oh no!!..

I'm so weird, everyone is getting upset if i start to open it,

they thought that i will do something,

they thought that i have something that im hiding from them,and

they thought I'm stupid of thinking of those things..

if I die

Please cremate me, then

Divide in to two my ash

And give it to my love one..

Even my love one get bothered if I'm thinking about it...

MY PLAN MAKES ME EXCITED OR KEEP WE WORRIED?

what if this? what if that? what if? sigh...

Yes, i have so many plan in my life...

With my family and him...

But every plan i make is another worry that i

keep and still keeping and carrying by my shoulder...

I'm worried if he gonna visit here in Philippines,

I dont have money and what if i coulndt travel in Manila...

What if my Dad don't a money to pay my fair for transportation...

Everything is fine except money, Money always hurts me...

I don't know where I gonna get my money to travel...

I don't know...What if??

I really want Him, I want us to be together...

But i really, really don't know how...

This plan for December keeps me excited and worried...

Excited because we will be together...

Worried because of so what if's in my mind...:(

I know there's a solution with all those thing...

Please help me, God...

The sky becomes darker and still sitting here,

only the sounds of radio you will here..

Realized thing that you really want is too hard to achieve..

I can't sleep because of keeping all in my mind..

Thinking so deep and so far...

Dreams that keeps fulfilling my fantasies..

I really want to be with him but I dont know how...

I'm not sure if i can travel in Manila to meet him,

and celebrate Christmas with andfamily and him...

I dont know where I gonna get all the money that i need...

I'm worried about Jeff...

I will do my best to have money...

(in school)

If i could not to eat my meal to save money It's okay..

Avoid too much hang-out with friends..

Self-discipline...

Even if i can make all those things i can't still erase to worry..

Well I can make it...

Money, money, money...sigh....

Keeps me hurting...

Oh the phone is ringing....

Ring...ring..ring....

No one speaking

Coughing.....

Sipping the tea....

What a wonderful late afternoon...

I feel good...

I trust God we gonna crossed those bridge

If im already there...

Everything will be okay...

Love...love...love..

Keep me strong and alive...

Ajah!!

Tristan

Keep Smiling

:))

***********************************************************************

My morning starts with thinking of him, I always sleep with my cellphone next to me so in the morning i could message him. My life turns like that when the class is ended for the summer vacation unfortunately it was a boring summer vacation that i have in my whole life. But im still happy because I have him, my boyfriend. Everytime i moved i thought of him, wishing that he was there to watch me and help me doing things and do it just like for fun. But im here in my Aunt's hand, i don't have privacy and i can't do what i want. I build a big respect to her but she teach me and continuosly helping me destroying it little by little. Well she doing it for my own sake of safetyness but she killing my happiness. All i can do is to cry, cry and cry and hide it from her, pretend that i can work and i can help her even if i don't like what im doing and tired of doing all those things. I still repect her so i can't make have a argument or any fight with her.

But im happy for everday that God gave to me because every day counts is closer to the day that Jeff and I will be together. I can't wait for that time to come and i'm really excited.

I want to spend my whole time with him, doing things that make us so happy, and thing we surely will treasure someday. We are already on a journey and i dont want to stop. I love him so much!!.

Even how many years between us,

how many miles are between us now,

and how many people will contradict to us...

No one can stop me, I will spend my whole with you...

I want to grow old with you...

i want to live with you forever....

YAHOO!!!

it all starts when im searching for someone....
someone that i never thought it will go this far...
im glad God gave me this GUY.
the guy who puts my life on a new perspective..
the guy who motivates and inspire me to do better that i do before..
the guy who makes me spend a lot of money just to get online and chat with him..( that's funny)
the guy that i know deserves the love, trust and care that i can give.
and the guy that i learned to give an importance and love..

my life at 17

so many things that i've been changed

for the sake of happiness,

things that i learned

not just to educate me but to become a real me,
things that i've experienced

just to kill the curiousity

and things that i've been sacrificed

just for the satisfaction of others...

problems that i've been settled

that made me who i am..

i want to be alone

not because i dont want to be with them but

because i choose it..

so many people that i've met

their random personalities

are factors that keeps them in my mind alive..

and i learned to deal with their different points of view and

im not afraid to share my thoughts with them

the bursting feeling that i choose to give for someone,

someone that i thougth as my travel companion but he was there

just for a ride and not for the journey...

at 17 i learned to love witout asking in return and let go...

so many dramas that i've done

that keeps people think that im insane but unfortunately im not..

so many times that i choose to hide my feelings

because im afraid to not understand or to be misunderstood..

at 17 i suffered in unexplained feeling,

feeling that made me so confused,

a feeling that i know that im happy and also the

feeling that puts me in the world of full of discrimination...

at 17 i learned to hide the tears in my eyes,

hiding with the sweetest smile

that would be a sweetest mistake in my life...

can't sleep at night because of the things that ruin my mind..

at 17 i never feel that i giving up even if in the hardest thing...

at 17 my life is full of lie and tricky things..

and get me lost...

but im still here trying to correct

all the things that i've done wrong..

at 17 i felt the feeling that i never felt before

NAKIKILALA KO NAG LUBOS ANG AKING SARILI

MARAMI NA RIN ANG NABAGO

AT PATULOY NA BINABAGO NG PANAHON

MASAKIT NGUNIT KAILANGAN TANGGAPIN, ITO

LAMANG ANG PARAAN PARA MABUHAY AT MALAMANG

NABUBUHAY KA SA MUNDONG ITO... MAS MARAMI PANG TAO

NA PWEDE KO PANG MAKIKILALA AT BUBUO NG AKING PAGKATAO.

someone who will accept me for who i am...

honest and trustworthy every now and then...

someone who deserve the love that i can give...

someone who will be there when im alone...

someone who will fill the missing piece of me...

someone who will make me smile in times of sadness...

someone who will share things with me...

someone who will listen to me not just for the sake of listening..

SOMEONE WHO ARE NOT afraid to do things that he never done before,

willing to learn and experience new things...

open-minded and not afraid to go beyond his comfort zone..

so hard to say goodbye on the age that you love..

mostly if you're not ready to face an age of full of responsibility..

PERO WALA TAYONG MAGAGAWA TUMATAKBO ANG ORAS..

SIGURO ORAS NA RIN

PARA MAGHILOM ANG MGA SUGAT NA GAWA

NG ATING PAGKAKAMALI...

maybe it's also a time to forget all the things that made me hurt and forgive them...

MAKAKAMTAM KO RIN ANG KASIYAHAN SA

TAMANG PANAHON...

happiness that not worth anything in this world..

a smile and laugh that not have a monetary value...

but i have three things that i give to myself as a birthday gift

first is to let go and move on..

ACCEPTING THE FACT THAT WE'RE NOT MEANT TO BE..

second is no to fake smile...and

third is to BE A REAL ME....

now im not afraid if they will know the real me...

it makes me happy...

its so narrow minded if they act negative...
duh!!!

KAYA KO TOH!!:))

*****************************************************************

anu bang itong nararamdaman ko?

ano ba itong nararamdaman ko?
gusto ko na itong ilabas
ngunit ako ay nangangamba at nalilito
kung paano at kay nino
ko ito pwedeng sabih



masaya ngunit mata'y lumuluha
tumatawa ngunit kabila ay lungkot ang nadarama
hindi ko alam kung ako ay masaya
lalong di ko rin alam kung ako ay nalulungkot...


anu ba itong nararamdaman ko?
bakit ako dumaranas nito?


mga bagay na gumugulo sa aking isip
mga bagay na pinili kong sarilihin
at mga bagay na tumutulak sa'kin na ma isa...


hindi ko na alam kung ano ang aking gagawin
hindi na ako makatulog at minsan ang aking mga mata
ay lumuluha ng hindi ko namamalayan at hindi ko
maipaliwanag...


anu ba itong nararamdan ko?
nalulunod at tuluyang nilulunod ako ng mga bagay
na pilit pumapasok sa aking isip
bugtong hininga sa kalaliman ng gabi...
ang aking nakaraan, mga taong minahal ko ngunit ako ay iniwan
at ang mga taong akala ko sila ang makakaintindi ngunit hindi.
sila!..sila ang laman ng aking panaginip...


sa kabila ng kumportableng higaan
ay ang luha na kusang pumapatak
at ang malamig na hangin na kumukumot sa aking katawan.
tulog na katawan, gumagalang isipan...


patuloy na naghihintay sa umaga
kahit na hindi alam kung saan at paano sisimulan ang bagong araw
na ibigay ng Diyos...


how stupid am i kung hindi ko masabi o di ko man lang matukoy ang aking nararamdaman...oo minsan di na ako nagiisip, pabigla-bigla sa disisyon...
di ko talaga kilala ang sarili ko...


kailan ko makikilala ang sarili ko??
kailan ko matatagpuan ang taong makakaintindi sakin?
mga tanong na pilit kung sinasagot ng pabalagbag
para lang makuntento ng pansamantala...
pansamantalang pumapatay ng totoong kasiyahan...


kailan ko makikita ang sarili ko sa salamin na nakangiti ng totoo?
kailan mababawasan ang sakit na nadadarama ng puso kong ito?


****************************************************
KAILAN???
(sigh)..........
kailan!!!!!!!!!!!
****************************************************

if i were you i gonna put my mouth shut
and
let my hand tell you what is in inside my
heart..
but sometimes its not worth because some people dont understand
what your writing's point and about,
in short it needs more critical thinking..
sometimes theres a feeling that i cant write
because if you put it in words it will change the meaning
and also the understanding of the reader will change,
in short i cant find
the best words that suit to my feeling
so its so very hard to write the statement
that suit to your feeling
because sometimes our feeling is
unexplainable..
i cant write without any inspiration,realization, and music..
inspiration that motivate mo to do this
realization it can be a mistake in my life or the people that mistaken my life..
and music that keeps the mood...
and also another way of exprssing my thoughts..
writing for me is the best way of expressing my feeling and thoughts..
even if sometimes its complicated coz of different point of view...
it just depends to the reader of how they understand it...



hehehheeha .....lol....

tama o mali?

napapagod na ako...
pero patuloy ko pa rin ginawa dahil doon ako masaya...
mahal ko sya, mahal nya ay iba...

di ko masabi na mahal kita dahil ayoko pang umasa na mahalin mo ako...
di ko masabi na dyan ka lang, sino ba ako para pigilan ka...
di ko malaman ang dapat kong maramdaman dahil nalilito pa rin ako...

lagi ko lang nilalagay sa di tamang salita ang aking nararamdaman...
kahit hindi tugma ay patuloy pa rin para lang maintindihan at may makausap...
nagtatago sa tunay na nararamdaman dahil natatakot na mawala ka....


tama bang magmahal sa taong di mo pa talagang kilala??
mali ba na napamahal ka dahil sya ang nagpapasaaya sayo??
tama ba na sabihin lahat ng nararamdaman mo para sa kanya??

mahirap mag desisyon lalo na pati ang puso ay nagdidikta...
pagmamahal na bawal sa batas ng tao...
pagmamahal sa bumabago sa buhay ko at sa buhay ng ibang tao...
pagmamahal na di pa tuloyang natatanggap ng tao...
at pagmamahal na kayang ipaglaban kahit kalaban ay realidad..